Two days ago was the first day of my journey that I had no idea where I would be sleeping that night. For 9 days I had the comfort of an established building surrounded by people I knew. There was heat and lights and the doors locked to keep people out. When I left Colorado Springs in the afternoon yesterday, I was headed to the John Martin Resevoir State Park in southeast Colorado. By the time I arrived, the sun was beginning to set and I wanted to get camp set up. Come to find out they want $23 for one night to camp. I decided on principal, there was no way I was going to pay that, and ethically wasn’t going to camp without paying. Here was my first opportunity to make a big decision for myself on this trip. No one is going to give you advice, this is on you. Shit. Making decisions is not my forte, but I got on my phone and found a Wal-Mart, the jalapeño poppers from two nights ago decided to fight back, and came up with a new plan there.

 I headed to the south west corner of Kansas to the grassland state park. The drive was about 2 hours, I would cross a time zone and google maps put me there around 10. The drive over was fun, jamming out to a wide variety of music and getting excited to take pictures of the stars because the moon was not out and the light pollution would be minimal out at a camp ground. All was good until I pulled up to the place where you drop an envelope in a mailbox to pay for your stay. 

I stopped the car and immediately locked my car. Fear consumed me in a way I had never experienced before. Paralyzed. I thought about why I was doing this journey; to face some fears, become vulnerable, and grow as an individual. In that moment, I had the opportunity to address all three of them. My brother was my first thought to call because I had opened up to him before. I told him straight out that I was scared shitless because it was pitch dark, no one less was out there, that I could see, and all the murder shows I had watched with my dad got my imagination going with all the possibilities of what could happen to me out there. He suggested I go to hotel tonight and come back tomorrow and try. That options wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear because I wanted to get past this, but that was the easy option. It would have allowed me to side step my fear completely. I hung up with him and decided to call my good pal Sam who is a camping expert and someone I trust. She is like a good basketball coach who gets you psyched up and helps you pull the belief out of yourself for the second half after getting destroyed in the first. She talked to me as I got a fire started and started to relax a little. My sister also called me and talked to me while I kept the fire going. She was thinking about hanging up and I told her I felt better with her on the phone. The whole time I have been on the phone my flash light has been doing 360 degree circles around me looking for anything or anyone trying to sneak up on me. I called my girlfriend after that and she asked me what was for dinner. I hadn’t eaten in hours, but if I was going to eat, that meant staying outside the tent even longer and preparing water, which was not going to happen. Getting into the tent was my only goal sort of like hiding in a fort keeps you safe from the bad guys in your house as a kid. Once inside though, the same sense of comfort and safety did not come. I had my rain fly on the tent and all I could do was stare up at it listening for anything and waiting for someone or something to come out of the night and turn my imagination into reality. 

Back behind me came the sounds of coyotes howling and talking to each other. For some odd reason this calm me down to the point that I was no longer in flight or fight mode anymore and my stomach began to growl from hunger. I told myself we were just going to have to suck it up tonight and ride it out because although I felt better, there was no way in hell I was getting out of the tent to get food tonight. Waiting for day break to come the next day was like being 8 years old waiting for Christmas to finally be here. I tossed and turned all night and every time I opened my eyes, my deepest hope was that I would see light,because then I would be safe again.

The next day finally came and I decided to get the hell out of there after making some breakfast. As I was driving to my next destination though, I thought about it and a sense of accomplishment hit me. I did it. Fear was facing me head on, and instead of running from it, I held on and fought back at it. My challenge to anyone reading this is to go out and do something today, this week, this month that scares the hell out of you. Don’t do it alone because the greatest accomplishments in life come with the help of those we love and support us. 

“Only those who risk going to far can possibly find out how far one can go.”

T.S. Eliot