Find Some Light in the Dark Places

This journey is allowing me to face more of my fears than I originally thought was possible, and in ways I would not have expected before beginning on this.

After leaving the nice camp ground in Woodward OK, I decided to head to Oklahoma City to check out a big city. It had only been 3 nights total since I had been in the same area as a larger number of people, but I could tell that I needed to get somewhere there were more people, not to talk with them, but to simply be around them. I had read a number of places that Walmart’s allow people to sleep over night in their parking lots, given you don’t make a mess or a scene in the parking lot, so I felt confident I had a place to stay for the night.

Nice Creek in a National Park

Before I needed to find a place to sleep, I needed to get to a meeting. When I say meeting I mean an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Yes, I’m Michael and I am an alcoholic. In reality, I am an addict because alcohol is not the only substance or behavior I lack any moderation with, but when I go to those meetings, I identify as an alcoholic. Today I can say that with pride and not hide from society behind the fact that I am one of those people, though once that was my goal, to simply hide in the shadows without having people know this about me. Now, me publicly disclosing this on a blog that could be read by any number of people breaks the anonymity that the program talks about, but it is my anonymity to break. Other people in the program that may or not read this may not agree with what I am doing, but while I was a practicum student, we watched  The Anonymous People, check it out, its a great movie, which made the argument that maintaining anonymity perpetuates the stigma and negative emotions society had placed on us, and I tend to agree. I have done many things in my life that I am not proud of, have hurt and ruined other relationships with the people close to me, and completely lost myself in my addictions, and I am a better person for going through all of it. We are not bad people. Some of the most loving and caring people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting are in recovery from some self destructive behavior that, for a time, helped them find a sense of release, ability to fit in, or the misconception that they had control over something in their lives in a world that can feel completely chaotic most of the time. We are people who have gone through trauma, loss, abuse, alienation, and for that short period of time we could escape, things were okay, then the substances took us over. My addiction, I call it my Dark Passenger, will be apart of who I am until the I die. Some days it is fairly quite and doesn’t bother me, but some days it will tell me that I can handle one beer, or a bowl, or one dip. I live with a killer everyday of my life, but today I am not a slave to that killer.

Back When I Thought I Was Having Fun

The Interview I did for K2

So, after driving around Oklahoma City for a few hours trying to find a meeting, I found one at a cool club house and went in to get a reminder of what I live with, and how to live in the solution rather than the problem. It’s also a really amazing thing that I can go anywhere in the world and walk into a room full of people who I understand their struggle and they can understand mine with a lack of judgement or criticism. I have mentioned it to a few people now how mind blowing it is that something that almost ruined my life has now opened doors to me all around the world full of friends that I don’t know yet.

After leaving the meeting, I decided I might as well go check out one of the many casinos that were around here. I was able to lose only $60, which was much less than the people sitting around me. If you have never been to a casino, it is one of the most depressing places I have ever been. People just sitting there at a machine putting money into the same machine over and over hoping that they are going to be the one that wins the big jackpot, smoking, and drinking for hours on end, but I was one of those saps trying to win the big jackpot. I walked out of their feeling alright about myself. I went in their with a plan, pull out $60 and leave when that was gone, but I am well aware that gambling is one of those things that has the potential to become a problem if I am not careful. Lifetime running total I am down $80, can’t win if you don’t play.

The casino left me feeling down, so I decided I better head to the outlet mall and see if there was anything there I could spend money on to lift my spirits, as well as to simply continue to be around more people. I was able to find two pair of pants that I absolutely did not need on the clearance rack at the Oakley outlet store, cause retail is for suckers.

After leaving the outlet mall, my plan was to go to the Walmart down the road, pick up a towel and some shower shoes so that I could then go take a shower. The only “shower shoes” they had were some sandals that cost $15 and there was no way I would use them for anything other than shower shoes, so I kept looking around and found some super cute pink slippers that would need to be rung out after the shower, but they were only $2.88, so I was winning in that department. I was feeling positive about things as I went to pay for my forest green towel and cute pink slippers up until the point I talked to the assistant manager about staying in the parking lot.

Sunset in Oklahoma City

I have never been a sales person for one major reason; I do not deal well with rejection. I was a Boy Scout back in the day and the yearly popcorn sales event was never my favorite, but thanks to my parents and grandparents I did not usually have to worry about hitting the minimum getting sold. The idea of going up to someone and trying to sell something to them that I am not positive they want causes me to turn around and run the other direction. I used to have cuteness on my side, so people would usually pull out their check books and help me out, but that ship as look since sailed and now people do not engage with me quite the same way they used to with the uneven, scraggly, patchy facial hair, tattoos, and piercings I am a bit less cute these days, but the fear of rejection is still fully present.

As I walk up to the assistant manager and someone else she was talking to, my anxiety about the situation started to rise even though I had seen quite a few semis and RVs parked in the parking  lot, which told me that they probably allow people to stay over night in the paring lot, but there was still the chance that they didn’t, which brought uncertainty and fear. As I walked up, they both look at me with the “yes” face, you know the one where you have interrupted someones extremely important conversation while they are at work. I ask the assistant manager if they allowed people to stay over night in the parking lot and she responded with, “No we don’t, and I don’t think any Walmart’s allow that anymore.” I was potentially a joke for who ever they were going home to that night, but my night had turned straight down a dark path full of fear, worry, and uncertainty. “Where was I going to sleep tonight?” kept running through my head.

Having a safe place to sleep at night that is guaranteed is something I took for granted when I had it. I never realized how much of a luxury it is to have a place to lay down and get restful sleep every night without worrying about being caught doing what everyone needs to do daily, or having something bad happen during the 7-9 hours of sleep most of us need until that became part of my daily routine.

I decided that I was still going to go and take a shower, and go from there. I knew that Flying J had showers that people could use, so I typed Flying J into my Google Maps and start heading in that direction still worrying about what I was going to do about sleep tonight. As I pulled up to Flying J, I figured that it was going to cost me $3, $4, maybe $5 on the high end. The lady behind the counter told me that it was going to be $12. I thought to myself, “Alright, this is just going to be one of those days that the universe is going to challenge me to see how dedicated I am to this.” I was broken down enough that at that point, I was going to pay whatever it would cost to get a shower. I went out and collected bags with my towel, luffa (everyone needs one of these), shampoo, conditioner, and clothes. I had to punch in a code on the door to get into the shower, which helped me feel like I could process this situation alone without worrying about someone else coming in to see me in a vulnerable state. The shower had a toilet and sink as well as the shower, was well lit, and had towels on the sink, and looked really nice. I turned on the shower and stood under the water for a while just trying to process what I was going to do next. I tried to be present and enjoy the shower, but it was quite difficult with the fact that I still had no idea where I was going to sleep that night. After the shower, I felt better, but was still nervous about what was to come, and as I went to put my underwear on, I realized they were a pair I had already worn and hadn’t washed yet. Perfect. So, I finally get to get cleaned up, but no clean underwear. I was not going to walk through Flying J in my towel out to the car to get another pair, and I thought that this was just another perfect thing to happen during this day that has gone swimmingly to this point.

I decided that after such a wonderful chain of events this last few hours, I had earned a hot dinner someone else would make, so I went and found a BBQ joint down the road. I could have easily gone and gotten a hotel, I have the funds to do that, and a simple search on my phone would bring up plenty of potential places to sleep, but I did not come on this journey because it was going to be easy. Easy and comfortable are the enemy of growth. I got on my phone instead and started to look for ideas on where I could possibly stay the night. I found a guy who has been traveling around for 6 years now and has spent many nights in his car. There were a number of suggestions like rest stops, hotel parking lots, or other businesses and the line the stood out to me was, “What is the worst they are going to do? Ask you to leave probably.” Most of my life has been centered in fear of authority or breaking the rules. Go about your life following the rules the way that they were set out and do not operate outside of those lines or else. So, the idea of sleeping in a parking lot without first receiving permission made me uncomfortable, but if i wanted to challenge myself, this was the perfect opportunity to do it. I already knew what the answer was going to be if I went and asked the front desk, so ask for forgiveness rather than permission was the rules of engagement on this one.

I had to drive around till I found some hotels that were potential places that I could execute my plan. I found an area of town that had a dozen or more hotels in a small area and there were a few positive possibilities with minimal street lamps and plenty of parking on the sides of the building. I felt like a banker robber scoping out a bank to hit in the coming days. I drove all the way through the area and had to talk myself up to get mentally prepared to do what I was planning to do.

I found the target and pulled down a side road that had a back entrance, so no one would see me approach, and pulled into a spot that looked like a good choice. I sat in the front seat for a few seconds and then told myself it was time to go. I crawled over the middle console of the front seat into the back seat and looked around to make sure no one had seen what I had just done. I was able to create a little nook in the back seat with my head rested on the toilet paper I had bought earlier in the trip. It was not comfortable in the least, and it took a while for me to slow my heart rate down enough to try and get some sleep. I could see some kids in a third floor room having fun, and for a moment I was jealous that they were able to have that engagement with each other and the warm room with permission to be in it, but then I realized I was doing exactly what I wanted to do; facing my fears. I had to turn my sleep music on and slowly I faded off. It was also the safest I have felt since leaving Colorado Springs because their were lights, police, and other people around, and I was inside of a structure that could protect me. I woke up every couple of hours from one or more of my limbs falling asleep, so I would have to readjust. Around 0545, I woke up and decided it was time to get moving. I climbed back into the front seat and started my car. I drove off and for the second time on this trip, and for only a handful of times in my life, I was proud of myself and what I had accomplished. It felt like a door I did not even now existed was now open. I could sleep anywhere in my car at anytime, and I was riding the feelings of joy, accomplishment, and motivation again. I was driving around at 0600 in the morning smiling full of confidence in myself and my abilities.

My Sleeping Arrangements in the Car

Since that adventure in Oklahoma City, I have stayed in 4 different Walmart parking lots in different cities for a total of 5 nights. Every morning I am met with the same dilemma turned into a challenging opportunity of figuring out where I will be sleeping tonight. It was a cause for anxiety and upset the first few nights, but has now become an opportunity of facing my fear of rejection. I type Walmart into my internet search and go down the line one by one calling the different stores to see if they allow me to stay over night. The one in Little Rock was lucky because I only had to call one store, and I ended up staying there for 2 nights. The next stop was not so fruitful. I had to call all 3 of the ones in Jackson TN with a no at all of them and so I had to expand my search to near by cities. After the first no, I had an opportunity to quit right there, turn around and go back to what was easy and comfortable, but I pushed on and kept calling stores. I finally got a yes and was over joyed with the answer and felt relaxed about that night. That one took 6 calls total and to find a store in Louisville it took 8. Each time I call and get a no response, there is a piece of me that wants to quit, because I hate rejection, but each call has gotten easier and easier. I have also changed what I ask. In the beginning, I asked about staying overnight, now I ask if they have overnight parking for a car. I did get a hotel room for one night to get a shower, catch up on my journal, and find my center, which was absolutely necessary, but I found myself realizing how easy that would be the rest of the way. Everything I need is at hand for me to use, and I do not have to go outside the box to get a hotel. It was nice to have a space for me to spend time in , but it was easy and comfortable, so I will use those inly when necessary.

I challenge everyone to go do something that makes you uncomfortable. Something outside the box because you never know what wonderful gifts may come from that journey. Most importantly, love yourself today and be compassionate to others. You never know why someone is in the situation they find themselves.

Blue Catfish I Caught at a Campsite Between Walmart’s

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we be able to discover the infinite power of our lives.”

Brene Brown

A full week have passed since I last made a post on here, but that week has been full of ups and downs that were not expected and some drove me to the point of almost giving up on this adventure. This post will only be covering a couple of those days, and I will do another one for the other days soon after this one.

The Beauty of the Grassland National Park

The last post was from the Cimarron National Grasslands in Southwestern Kansas. My next destination was going to be Boiling Springs State Park in Oklahoma. The drive to the state park from Kansas was absolutely flat, so flat I was pretty sure I could see into Texas and through to Nebraska. This is not the place to come to show off the scenery of Oklahoma. As I continued through the pan handle and into the meat of the state, landscape began to grow slowly and even more as I approached the ranger station of the state park. The trees and wildlife calmed me down and made me feel like I had found a diamond in the rough of Oklahoma. There were people in the ranger station who were helpful and friendly with me and continued to calm me down with the choice I had made because this was not a calculated decision to come to this place. I opened up my atlas and decided that this area looked like a good call, so we did it.

Entrance Sign at Boiling Springs

I found the first camp site welcoming, but the decision to set up at that spot was difficult for me because this decision was, once again, going to be solely in my hands without anyone letting me know that it was either a good or bad decision. This has been a reoccurring theme I have been facing along the short time I have been on the road, and is something that I want to eventually change, not get rid of all together. The best description I have heard of healing is not getting rid of something, because every experience in our lives make us the wonderful people we are today, but rather it is putting light into the dark areas. So, I would like to get to the place where a choice I make is the one I make because it is what I want, the best choice, or the right thing to do and leave it there rather than looking back on it and thinking about what I missed out on by making that choice, which only cause upset and worry which removes me from the present moment.

Sun Setting on Camp of Day 1

I made the decision and felt pretty good about it and I proceeded to set up camp with the tent and setting up my fire so it would only need a flame to get going. The ranger came not long after that and collected my money for the two nights I decided to stay. There was a mom and daughter who had been walking their dogs around the park like it was the Indy 500 around and around and around this area till I thought the dogs were going to die. All of these factors, getting to the site before the sun went down to scope it out, having other people camping close by, and a ranger patrolling the area all made me think this night was going to be a breeze, but soon the sun started to hide behind the trees and surrounding land, creating beautiful works of art in the sky, and that fear I had experienced in Kansas began to slowly reemerge from its hiding place in my mind like a train rounding a corner on the tracks. You can see the headlight coming, but you are stuck on the tracks knowing it is headed straight for you, and the anticipation is almost worse then the train actually hitting you. The train got closer as the amount of light decreased while my surroundings became less distinguishable, and they faded into a black blob around me. I was armed with my trusty flashlight that was on the move again during the night, but not quite at the same rate it was the night before. The fire was my safe place to be and I spend most of my time with my back to a tree facing the fire. I was able to sleep that night without my protective cover over the tent, so I was more exposed, but could also quickly check on my surroundings if need be during the night.

Beautiful Oklahoma Sunset

My Protector

The next day was the first time I started to question what I was doing. Why am I out here spending my hard earned money to camp around and live like this. Is this even worth the time, energy, and money that is going to go into it? I also realized how lonely it had become being out by myself braving the elements and nature. Cell phones are a wonderful tool that we have these days that allows us to connect with people hundreds of miles away with our voices, or  through a video app, but it is not quite the same as having another human being to engage with. I am an introvert and lose energy when I am around other people for too long, and need to recharge by myself, but apparently, too much time away from people can also be draining to me. While processing the decision to turn around and head home or not, I decided to go for a hike around the state park and get some more use out of my new camera. Not long into my hike I ran into another person hiking around the park. We end up going on a hike for a few hours and just talking about life and by the time he left my camp site, I was able to nudge myself done the road of continuing on. I did not realize how powerful and uplifting the experience had been until he had left, and isn’t that so true in my day to day life as well. As the sun started to go down, I was wishing that he was still there to talk and have someone to face the darkness with, but it was me against the elements once again. Along with being filled with optimism for the future of the trip, this was going to be the third night I would spend alone in the wilderness, so I had a good idea of the feelings that would be coming, and the hope that they would be less intense than they were the nights before. I did feel more comfortable that night in the tent even though there were raccoons all around me fighting with each other over who knows what most of the night.

The next morning was a mixed bag because I was excited to get back on the road and see somewhere new, but there was also the uncertainty of where I was going to sleep that night. This continuous roller coaster of finding a place to sleep, being fearful of what may get me that night, calming down, then waking up and needing to find a place to sleep causes some stress and is bringing me to forks in the road of this journey almost on a daily basis. I challenge anyone reading this to go and have a genuine interaction with another human being, maybe someone you know maybe a stranger, and appreciate the fact you get to have this opportunity. Too often I get caught up on my phone and going to that as a safety net and excuse not to meet new people rather than truly engaging with the people around me. In a word where we are more connected than ever, we are slowly losing true connection to other human beings, and growing relationships with profiles, and email accounts.

“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”

Alexander Graham Bell

There is an Armadillo in This Picture

 

The technology that we have access to these days is incredible from our phones to the cars we drive to the Internet. I always forget how much I rely upon it until one of them goes down and needs to be fixed or replaced. My car has been running smoothly for the first few hundred miles of the trip, but I took it in to be sure. I felt very confident leaving my car, and all of the things I need to continue my journey.

I left my car at the repair shop, and decided that I was going to walk to the nearest gas station to fuel my dark passenger that always wants to tell me that I need more nicotine then the gum is providing me. It’s an interesting thing to deal with consciously knowing that the buzz is no longer obtainable, but that voice in my head convinces me it is worth trying again. They should create an interactive museum exhibit so everyone can experience the back and forth battle like two little children arguing over a toy. It worked out really well actually because I got to walk around neighborhoods I’ll probably never be to again, and have it really sink in that I get to make my own choices from here on out. 

This is where I ended up getting my tobacco product. I got the opportunity to sit down here and read a part of my book while I waited for my sister to pick me up. It was so peaceful to take a break, sit down, and be present at this random gas station I will never see again most likely.

  
This morning I received a call from the repair shop saying they had found the leak and that they could either replace the rack for $1300, or replace the boot kit for $450. My first thought was to get upset because I have a limited amount of funds that is not being replenished at this moment, but realizing I am fortunate enough to have a vehicle that needs repairs brought me back to the reality of how good things are today.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while dating greatly…”

Theodore Roosevelt from the book Daring Greatly (thank you Amanada)